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11 weeks and a bit of too much information

Friday, September 4, 2009

11 weeks

okay, there’s a reason why i cut out my head in these pictures, and it’s not because i care that you all know what i look like (obviously, my face is scattered on flickr and facebook with a bit of hesitancy). it’s because, in my mind, if you saw the proportion of my head to my belly shot, you’d realize either 1) i visited a head-shrinking tribesman in some faraway jungle once i became pregnant or 2) i’ve already got a huge middle and i’m not even out of the first trimester. yes, my jeans still fit in my legs, but … i’m either bloated like a blimp or i’m packing the weight on for my future pregnancies as well as this one.

maybe my metabolism just sucks. maybe it’s the perspective. maybe it’s that film really does add 10 pounds to your figure. maybe i hate my body. whatever the case, this cropping is the only flattering glimpse of my disappearing waistline (who am i kidding? it was already absent. i haven’t had a real waist since high school.) i could come up with.

are you detecting a theme yet?

this is obviously going to be the biggest struggle of my pregnancy. i can wallow in the current surreality of it all, even with the photo of my bean from my first ultrasound 8/26. i know i’m pregnant. i know that our baby’s in there, and i think that’s so awesome. i really do. i can look at that tiny, black and white image and know that there’s this amazing thing growing inside of me, but then i look at myself in the mirror and want to go hide in a cave like a hermit until my third trimester so no one has to look at me, especially me. the shape of my body is even more awkward than it ever has been. i feel so unattractive, it’s even hard to decide what to wear in the morning anymore.

i thought pregnant ladies were supposed to feel prettier than ever before? when will i feel that way? why can’t i feel that way now?

that’s really vulnerable stuff right there, again. i can’t help it. it’s so honest. it’s everything i wrestle with when no one’s looking. i feel like i’ve really gained too much weight too fast and it’s not like i’m eating ice cream and brownies at 3 in the morning. i’ve probably increased my caloric intake 300 calories a day, but it’s not like i’m eating 2600. i might not even be eating 2000.

i’m not holding out when i’m hungry, either (which is like all the time). i have a breakfast (cereal and fruit), a snack (cottage cheese and/or more fruit), lunch (you’ve seen the photos), possibly another snack (usually a granola bar or fruit again), and dinner. yes, i can really clean up when it comes to my plate now, but i figure that’s a good thing. i may feel bad, but i know it’s not just for me. it’s not. i just wish it didn’t have to affect me at all sometimes.

i’m not active enough is probably part of the problem. i’ve got a sedentary job and a sedentary life. i could be out running like all the crazy people. or i could at least be walking more. a lot more. i just don’t want to. i always get caught up in thinking it won’t matter. it won’t make a difference. not for me. it’s too late. i’m supposed to be gaining weight anyway. i’m pregnant! it’s okay. the books say it’s okay and i cling to that like you wouldn’t believe.

but i still feel bad. yes. i do. i feel terrible.

anyway, this is hard. too hard. i want to be excited, and i can be … when i don’t see myself in a photo or in the mirror.

it’s pathetic and i hate it, but it’s true. it hurts. i want to feel pretty, but i don’t. i already feel like a beached whale—i did before i was pregnant. now i just feel trapped in my fate to always be that way, even 9 months from now.

  1. Tuesday, September 8, 2009 3:16 am

    I love you, tiffy! So sorry you’re feeling cruddy. As for the walking, see if you can get Justin to take a walk with you each evening… It’s a good idea in the third trimester to get your body loosened up for labor, so if you start now it won’t be hard to keep up at the end. Don’t do it for the weight loss aspect so much as for the health aspect. I pray the Lord shows you how beautiful you are as your body changes in this very strange season of your life.

    • Tuesday, September 8, 2009 1:14 pm

      thanks k-dawg. 🙂 i think that the whole transition is definitely bringing some things to the surface that are good for me to deal with. nothing easy, necessarily, but definitely things that will be beneficial to iron out for myself and in my life in general.

      we usually walk the dog twice a day already, once in the morning and once in the evening, but i figure i could always walk more. i understand that, at the moment, i’m not gaining and changing for me, but for the baby. most of the time, that’s okay. it’s just when i take my focus off of what’s really important that i get discouraged.

      anyway, thanks again! you’re awesome.

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