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ten weeks

Friday, August 28, 2009

10 Weeks

well, here i am at ten weeks. i totally feel as though i’ve gained way too much weight way too fast. i’ve already struggled with how i feel about my body and how much weight i’ve put on since college even before i was pregnant. this is probably the most difficult and vulnerable part for me—the changes my body is undergoing.

before i was pregnant, i was probably eating 1600 calories or less a day and not losing a pound. now, i’m probably still under 2000, even with my occasional snacks (usually fruit or a fiber granola bar or a cup of cottage cheese). i feel as though my body was just waiting for some excuse to make me even more miserable. i haven’t tried on my jeans in weeks; i know they won’t fit now. i’m afraid i’d cry.

sure, sure. the baby books all say, “it’s just fine to gain weight. you shouldn’t mind.” but i do mind. i mind so much. i don’t want to gain 60 lbs. i don’t even know if i want to gain 20. i’m definitely not one of those people who gets to stay tiny their whole pregnancy, only to have a basket ball under their shirt where their baby should be. apparently, i’m really going to go for the beached whale look next spring. i hope it’s fashionable … or at least, i hope that by then, i’m okay with it.

i just wish i could be okay with it now. i feel so uncomfortable in my skin when i see myself in the mirror, even though i know what an awesome little thing is growing and living inside. it’s not the baby, it’s me. i haven’t liked me or the way i look in years—possibly an entire decade.

it’s my fault for getting myself into a sedentary career and not forming a regular exercise schedule at all. i could exercise now, but part of me always falls into the “what’s the point?” line of thinking.

ugh.

yusuke

on an unrelated note to my personal self-pity wallowing, we’re moving today and tomorrow from our apartment to our new townhouse. most of today hubby and a friend are moving all the big stuff while i work here at the office. it’s pretty crazy, and our dog Yusuke is currently confused about why we’ve taken apart the bed so he can’t hide under it anymore or why there’s boxes everywhere or why we went through all the drawers this morning.

he just laid down on the quilt on our mattress this morning and looked so concerned. the new place has stairs, which he isn’t used to in the house (our apartment is on the second floor, but it’s only a one-story apartment). i’m curious to see where his new favorite spot will be once we get settled in the new place.

friday morning

lastly, as evidence as to why i shouldn’t be complaining about my weight, here is my high-quality breakfast this morning. fridays at the office are days when we take turns bringing in breakfast, so i can’t be blamed for donuts if it wasn’t my turn. chocolate soy milk, a kiwi, and a plain donut. (note: i had some raspberries and orange juice at home, so it’s not … so bad. right?)

anyway, i’ve got a better lunch of leftover katsudon, rice, avacado, raspberries, and a v8 later. so there.

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