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some things that go on in my head include

Thursday, August 13, 2009

as excited as i am about being pregnant, i definitely still have some big fears, some of which are probably a little more shallow than others.

while i grew up knowing that both my parents loved me, and, for the most part, even my step-dad loved me, my family’s personal life was always a rocky one. there were many issues, a lot of heart-ache, and some dysfunction thrown in there for what i can only look back and call “character building.” it was not always easy, even though i know that all my parents tried very hard to give me the best, even if their motivations sometimes blurred. i never wanted for anything and i know that i have a good education to be thankful for. still, there’s some hurt and not all of it is healed. i worry that i’m not going to be a good parent or that i’m going to fall into some of the same traps, but i know that some of that fear is normal.

i’m pretty confident that hubby and i have a different, better relationship than both of us have as historical references.

i’ll also admit to being more than a little afraid of the changes pregnancy is going to bring to my body, mostly around the middle area. i’ve already struggled with terrible self-esteem, a terrible self-image, and a strong dislike for the weight i’ve gained since college. i used to joke that i’ve already gained all the weight i needed to have a baby, but i have a feeling that’s not true. granted, i don’t want to be the kind of person that gains 70lbs. unfortunately, i don’t even want to earn 25-30. i want what i’ve already gained over the years to not be there in the first place, and it scares me to think that there’s more coming.

that’s probably shallow of me. all the baby books talk about how it’s fine to gain some weight and break it down according to how “overweight” you already are. i suppose having something in writing telling me it’s okay to gain a little more makes me feel better, but it still scares me to think of when it’s over … will it all come off? i don’t want to keep any of it, really.

yeah, if you can’t tell, that part really, really, really freaks me out.

the birth process is a little nerve-wracking, but i’m hoping to read up on that so that i’m more informed and less afraid. there’s just so much to read. i want to make the right choices when it comes to birth, so i’m willing to spend the time on that.

whee.

two more weeks until my sonogram. my very first one.

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