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i should be blogging this stuff

Monday, August 10, 2009

eight weeks into a new life between us and i should totally be writing stuff down. or something. not that i know what to say. this week, the tiny spark of life that is some of me and some of hubby and all God’s is already half an inch in size in there somewhere, but it’s still all very surreal. there’s nothing to see, really, and nothing to feel on the inside save for the occasional cramp and back ache of those parts of my body growing and moving and making room.

i’m tired all the time. i’ve gone from someone who can be perky at 6:30am on 5 hours of sleep to someone who is still kind of blurry after 10. it’s alien to me, this listless tiredness that won’t go away, that forces me to crash on the couch as soon as i get home from work, that keeps me from waking up on time for work. i used to be a morning person and now i’m not sure if i’m an any time of day person at all.

other than that, i have yet to seriously battle with morning sickness. if i get nauseous at all, it’s at night, usually around the same time in the evenings as i get home and get tired. or sometimes after dinner, if i can even decide what we’re having for dinner.

food is both my best friend and my horrible enemy. i’m hungry all the time just like i’m tired all the time, and yet nothing sounds appetizing … even though everything ends up tasting good. it’s ridiculous. i can stand in my kitchen with the pantries open and stare into the freezer and just want to cry—there is never anything in there i want or want to make! and yet, if something is made or we end up going somewhere to eat to prevent me from crying for a half hour, then it’s all yummy and i can’t complain.

how ridiculous.

a whole 12 weeks of PMS.

well, i’m still counting on it all being worth it in the end. the aches and pains. the tenderness. the wierd emotional randomness. the sleeplessness. the food apathy. all of this and so many more crazy things over the next eight and a half more months … all for something that’s new and unique and alive and inside.

crazy, i tell you. so crazy.

now in the meantime as things are growing and changing i can only hope that things come into focus for my other half. he’s as unsure as i am tired, and that’s saying a lot. while it has little to do with the baby and everything to do with what he wants to do for the rest of his life, it still affects all aspects of our homey existence. he needs a big dose of direction, and all i can do is be encouraging without it. i don’t know where to point him or what to tell him—some things he knows about himself much better than i do. he needs to find whatever it is he really wants for his life and pursue it. it’s up to me to be there, and i’m more than willing to go along for the ride.

it’s just … knowing where to go that seems to be the problem.

muddy water and so much indecision.

it’s hard, but hopefully he’ll tug on his waders and go for it … he should know that as long as he puts his trust in the right place, he’ll end up exactly where he’s supposed to be. where we’re supposed to be. all three (Four) of us.

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